Wake up every morning with the feeling something amazing is about to happen...

11:10PM - I never felt alone until I met you

I thought I had lost my necklace, the one I always wear, the one with the Allah pendant on it but I found it while I was frantically looking for something else. It was stuck in the back pocket of my purse, so all along it was with me, practically everywhere I went (since I never change purses anymore). I’m not sure why I am writing in this again, almost exactly a year after I last wrote in it but now I am without my writing classes, without a place to semi publicly display my writing, so I am back for the summer.
When I move to New York I’m just going to send out emails to everyone back home, updating them on my life. I keep on picturing life in new york, what it will be like, or if I will make it and I can’t help but think of the last time I just spent my days thinking and anticipating what was coming next. The last summer I did absolutely nothing, no school or work was my summer into college. So I feel like I have regressed, I am in the same position I was four years ago. I have more experience, hopefully more knowledge than I did back then but I have the same fears, of missing home, not fitting in, being lost in a new city, being overwhelmed by school, etc… But the fact is, I made it through undergraduate college, and I came out of it with new best friends, people I know will be in my life forever, I found a major I was good at and realized I didn’t have to always make my parents happy with my decisions. I fell in love in college- for two years, I had my heart broken, and even with a broken heart I applied to grad school, took the gre’s (twice) and got into schools. So I can do this. I can move to Long Island and succeed in a master’s program and start over and make more friends, and gain more life experience. I am thankful for the change in scenery, I am excited to explore on the weekends, to travel into the city and visit all of the neighboring states. I am already anxious to see everyone from home-San Diego and El Segundo- there, I am excited to experience things with them, the people I love. I am excited for snow, for the first day I see it, to call everyone in sunny California and tell them that there is snow falling outside my window. And then to walk in it. Feel it crunch under my shoes. Wear scarves and beanies and bundle up in warm blankets at night. I am thankful for a clean slate, to start over with a new GPA, new professors, new subjects. I know I will cry. I know I will be really sad and panicked once I get there. I know I will fall apart once I have to say good bye to my parents and I know I will fall apart again when I realize that everyone who cares about me is on another coast, and that the Pacific has been replaced by the Atlantic. When all I want to do is go see some stupid movie and eat Chipotle but Jess won’t be there to be my date or Jon won’t be there to give me a big hug and squeeze the worries out of me. But I have to do this; I want to show myself that I can do this. Maybe I want to show everyone else that too. It’s only two years, right?

Current mood: contemplative

2:03AM - And you kissed me like you meant it, and I knew that you meant it.

I wrote these poems last quarter for a creative writing class I was taking. They accompanied real masks I made using my friend’s faces from San Diego as molds. Each face had a different word painted on them: risk, caught, purpose, hesitant, and stuck. We presented our final project at an art show at the end of the quarter. My artist’s statement was:

“My project is an exploration on the result of the pressures people feel to fit in and constantly have a full grasp of life and its happenings. The result is a myriad of demands that one has to succeed in meeting regardless of the cost. To give into the anxiety we pretend to fulfill everyone’s expectations of us, we pretend to comprehend everything thrown toward us and slowly we expel the truth of our feelings and uniqueness of our identity as we get lost in the crowd.

Text and image maintain a close relationship within my project. The masks quite literally put a face to my words. The text infused with the masks represents a very personal individuality; they are unique to the observer who stands up behind the mask. For this vague topic I needed to write specific text which could still universally communicate. The words create a story, the interior of a conscious, wrapped around a façade, a mask of our exterior.”

I’m not sure why I am posting them here. I guess the feelings are running through my mind as I sit in bed, desperately trying to fall asleep. I have officially become an insomniac. I am contemplating getting a job after I just left the one I had for eight months for the summer. I thought I should use the summer to concentrate on each class I am taking during the two sessions and to study for the GRE’s and figure grad school out. I am enjoying the time I have off, the less restricted life of not having to work but everything is so expensive! In between eating, buying gas, joe’s birthday, lyly’s upcoming birthday, and random things that happen, plus rent and bills of course, I am forced to really re-think this whole unemployment thing. I guess I got used to having money, as little as it was, come in each two weeks.

Ugh I am just tired and cranky. My brain hurts I think. I have been in school straight through almost three years now, my only break being half of summer into sophomore year. I wonder how much more I can force into there. I am thinking about the 100 pages I have to read for class by Monday. I am thinking about how our final is already about a week from today and how that means that summer is half way over.

I can blame my insomnia on my thoughts, on the hot weather, on the fact that most everyone I know has work in the morning so they can not talk to me at night when I am up and can’t sleep or the itchiness I feel on my foot where a spider bit me today. I stayed at Jackie’s house after joe’s bday dinner and had the best time being around everyone from home again. It was so good to have Jackie home from Vietnam and Joe back from England. I was thankful Chris came out for the whole night. It just felt comfortable to be around everyone again. We went to the beach the next day. I couldn’t remember the last time I went to Manhattan beach with everyone, I couldn’t even remember the last time I went in the water at the beach. I had so much fun just goofing around, burying Jackie and Garrett in the sand with Sue, or watching Irons and Joe boogie board while Jackie yelled that her eye was spicy…haha I think that no one can compare to the way we have grown up and how we are still growing up. We were all sharing remember when stories at Dani’s house, and some of them went back to memories in the second grade, to things that happened just earlier this year. When I think about it, we all weren’t necessarily in the same friend group growing up, but we still share this closeness as I guess most people do who come from gundo. I missed Christina, Jen, Kar, John, Adj, Krystle, Nick…people who did occupy a lot of my high school life, who are suddenly missing from me because of distance- physically and emotionally. I look forward to the day when we can all get together and for it to contain the same sense of comfort.

I’m more tired now…maybe I can fall asleep. I hope it cools down soon, I don’t think I was made for the heat at all. I hope I continue to take time out to read for fun because I’ve loved getting the chance this summer to escape into so many different worlds as I used to when I read a lot. I hope things continue to work themselves out. That Jon and I continue strongly and continue making it through our ups and downs…it will be a year and eight months next month. I hope I get to see my friends often, I hope that perpetual good things will happen for them this upcoming year, the year we will all (almost) graduate from college and move on to the next stage in life. I hope we all continue to carry on with each other through every stage. I hope the world will stop going crazy. And that my dad's older brother in Lebanon and his family, my only relatives I have never met, will survive through the pain inflicted on their country. I hope I get to meet them one day. Sorry for the long entry. If anything I hope it entertained someone in the fleeting boring moments of every summer.

here are my poems:

I can’t seem to keep secrets.
So why have I kept ours so well?
Like whispers lost among the wind
And large deep red letters of shame
With bold declarations
Fading like echoes in my cave
Dark sins beating against my heart
Crashing into my body
I keep my secrets unknown. Out of sight.
Close to my conscious. To tear me apart.

Look at you, trying to hold my gravity.
It’s slipping out from your fingers
The fingers that write down little fears
And slip them into cracks in the wall
The fingers that hang limp in my grasp
Begging to be free
Fantasies ignoring the ambivalence
Growing in every move you make
Getting caught up in pleasure and pain
Silent words screaming out
Too tired to make a sound


Walk through the doors of my mind.
Where nods and smiles occupy my motions
Thoughts of insecurities lurching around
Falling into my actions and seeping out of my being
Different names for the same thing
Shadows encroaching onto my
Half faced reflection
Unfamiliar sounds, names, places
Invading my conscious
Confusing my every purpose
Mixing up my steps, as I’m thrown
From left to right, past right and wrong
And into forced small talk
Of fake lies, phony smiles and unrelenting nods.



It doesn’t matter what they mean.
They’re mostly there to calm me down
Spouting off make-believe words
From your cotton candy lips
It almost seemed like it might come true
Sometimes there is no easy way
Stuck in the ground
Like skyscrapers disrupting the heavens
Desperately reaching further and further away
Daydreams of escape flooding your mind
In swirls of exotic colors
Flamingo pink, sunset orange and fire red
They come raining down on you
Painting your walk home
Leaving your footsteps marked along the pavement
Beckoning you back to where you started



You complete my laugh.
My pain, the long drive home.
With your half way smile
Pensive eyes writing my future
Souls playing catch, humbling fate
In a simple game, a mess of hopes and dreams at stake
Remember me
With the moon blocking my stare
Dark black lining my eyes
Muddy brown dirtying your
White hopes of parking lot dreams

Current mood: thankful

10:24PM - once upon a time you and i

Shakira’s new cd is soooo so good. I don’t know why but I felt compelled to buy it and now I have been listening to the songs that I love on it on repeat. This song, Dreams for Plans, has a really cool beginning and this background music that you can feel in your heart. I am tired of hearing what other people think that Jon and I should do about us, I guess that’s what we get though, when he confides into, of all people, one of my apartment mates, who of course tells my other apartment mates and that’s what I get for also talking about it with people. It’s like I want to talk about it, just to get it out of my mind for a while, cause all of my thoughts are going nuts up there. But then I just want them to listen, not to tell me things, things like maybe u guys just shouldn’t be together, or maybe he would be happier without you….I guess I am being sensitive about the smallest of things, but I guess that is what I am, sensitive. I miss Joe because he was the perfection of what I expect when I talk about these things. That of course is not the only reason I miss him. I find myself even missing Isabelle (his gf) even though we aren’t really close or anything, because I miss their familiarity, I miss their perfection/imperfection of a relationship and how they just make me feel better. Being in another country, so far away, actually makes it seem like Joe is in another world, unreachable. He IMed my phone on Saturday and we had a short back and forth conversation which I felt gave me all the clarity in the world, even if for a short moment.

Chris had his baby, well Claudia had their baby…I really want to go visit and buy cute baby shoes for him, Rowan. Garrett told me he would call me when he goes this week so we can go together. I don’t know if you still read this Chris, but congratulations again. You are going to be the best father. Its weird how such big things are happening in everyone’s life now, I really didn’t think we would all grow up. I kind of imagined us within the walls of El Segundo schools for a long time, taking ASB year after year, complaining about some sort of ridiculous project we had to do, wondering who will ask us to prom and what we would do on our Friday night after the football game and swing on the swing set dreaming about what life had in store for us outside of Gundo. As I see all of my familiar faces, all of the ones who have known me the longest, known me through all of these huge changes and will almost without a doubt continue to know me for the rest of my life, I am in a way reminded of who I am. and who I don't want to be.

Everyone has stuff going on, even if it’s just nothing at all. And when it comes down to it, I have nothing to complain about. But I just can't help it sometimes.

Current mood: contemplative

12:26AM - "Just when the caterpillar thought that the world was over, it became a butterfly."

It's funny how the world keeps on going through each monumental and tiny, insignificant change. I'm trying to find who I was back about a year and six months and 12 days ago, possibly like 16 days instead of 12. Is it possible to return to who you once were before someone became your better half, is it possible that you are indeed still that same person, is it possible that you are better- or maybe even worse. How long can you put up with ambivalence? How long can you think things will be, just as the air waves flow, carefree and beautiful? When you feel wind push up against your hand while driving. The feeling when you curve your hand up and down through the window, weaving your fingers through the air, having them pushed this way and that, losing control over your own motions. I feel like I’m hanging out of that window, when I used to be steering the car. This could all be in my head. We’re getting kind of old aren’t we? Guess what song I thought of today

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

Can we retrace our steps, I think I’ve forgotten them. It’s just I know you’re it for me. I promise…Iwillalwaysgiveyouthebestofme...

Current mood: drained

7:38PM - It's more than just words, it's tears and rain...

When we first moved here from Alaska my parents would take Adam and I to a new place almost every weekend. We went everywhere, Pebble Beach, Hertz Castle, San Francisco, Old Town, San Diego, Big Bear, Yosemite, Santa Barbara, Palm Springs, every amusement park here (except for CA Great Adventure- but that doesn’t even count haha). We went everywhere together, explored this huge new state. I remember thinking how could we still be in the same state and continue to experience all of these new places and things. Adam and I would always be sitting in the backseat, fighting about something, yelling about the radio, threatening each other not to cross the invisible line that divided us down the car seat. I would look at all of the scenes passing us by in the window, just a blur of colors; I remember how Adam and I would always complain to my parents about the mountains. We would say, you call these mountains, they are nothing, they are hills compared to the real mountains in Alaska.
It’s really weird where life will take you. When I was in Alaska I never would have imagined moving to California. When Adam and I were still young, up till he was a sophomore in high school, I never would have thought he would go to college and come home only about twice a year. Then when I myself was in high school I never thought I would go to school at UCSD. And then while at UCSD I never would have thought my parents would move to a new city, away from Gundo and that my brother after being hurt by secrets and a girl, would finally give in to his family and move back home. I feel like every years challenges everyone and makes them grow up a little more. I see myself maturing, I see myself becoming more of a homebody, as Kar would say, I see myself hopefully taking less for granted. I think sometimes that this unpredictability about life is what makes it really great. The fact that you don’t know what this one kiss, on this one rainy night will lead to. That you don’t if you’ll make it to the next day you’re hurting so hard tonight. The feeling you get when you’re certain you can’t take another breathe because you’re crying to hard, that you’re positive you won’t have another day where you feel filled, where you are complete and you belong. But we all have these days, and these nights, these seconds and these months, but they pass, don’t they? God, we’re so young but don’t underestimate what we’ve lived through, what we have experienced, and what lays ahead for us.
I am my harshest critic. Sometimes I think I’ll go nuts with all the thoughts building up in my mind. I get so unbelievably mad at myself when things don’t go the way that I wanted them to or when I think I could have done better. I think about the what if’s, the dammit I just needed 5 more points-that’s only one more question, the why didn’t I just hold that one comment back, or why didn’t I learn from this the last time. I’ve been trying harder to let go of these criticisms. I guess it comes down the simple saying of try your hardest and then you’ll know you couldn’t have done any better; you gave it your all. But as always, what if…
I’m going to Washington, D.C. tomorrow, only for 3 nights, Wednesday to Saturday, and hopefully I’ll find myself in Philly one of those days to see Christina. I am excited to see Christina and Naeha and to escape from my thoughts, myself, the drama at school, the atmosphere of school and la jolla itself. I suppose I won’t really be escaping myself at all, in fact I will be doing the opposite by giving myself hours on the plane, then on the shuttle and the next day on the train to think to myself. But I suppose it’ll be a good way to clear my ahead, to become mentally prepared for the last quarter of my junior year in college. The process of thinking that, typing it and then going back to re-read it is terrifying enough. Time has flown by in the most painful yet fulfilling way. I say painful because I know I will miss these years and never get a chance to have anything like them again, and fulfilling because I’ve lived them the best I could have regardless of my what if’s.
I am scared about flying tomorrow, about taking a shuttle from the airport to Georgetown, trying to find my way to the train station and then to Philly. I’m scared about next quarter, about studying and having 4 new classes to worry about. I’m terrified of getting so close to the point of having to definitively decide what I need to do with my life. I’m scared of having another year pass and add on to my parent’s age, and take away from my rather carefree years. I’m cautious of what could happen between friends, what has happened, what will come out, what will remain standing. But hey all of these issues, all of my worries, they’re just hills right? Nothing compared to the real mountains.

It's raining right now, I'm sitting by my fireplace at home so i can warm up since my parents insist on saving money by not turning on the heater. My mom is reading the paper, sitting close to the fire on the carpet. My dad is playing with his new phone on the recliner and we're waiting for Adam to get home. I feel like if I listen closely enough, I can hear individual drops of rain hitting the roof, the windows, the pavement and leaves on the tree, each one with purpose, with a plan which is just its own short lived existence. These are the best kind of nights.

Current mood: pensive

8:59PM - school, friends, family, boyfriend, work, clubs, homework, money, driving, creativity, myself.

I'M FRUSTRATED.

that's all.

Current mood: blah

3:13PM - when there's no where else to run, is there room for one more song?

My mom just said that things just have to start falling into place now.

I agree.

So i'm waiting for them to fall into place.

Moving back into La Jolla this wednesday, aprehensive about the living situation, excited for my third year, scared about what may come, but of course hopeful.

...if you can't hold on, hold on...

Current mood: hopeful

1:14AM - And on the count of three, everybody run back to your fantasy, now go…

Each time I move my things back from school I have two extra pillows. Anyone who knows me well, knows I can’t sleep with extra things in my bed, I like two pillows, sometimes one, I like being alone, I like the blanket that I’ve gotten used to giving me comfort for the past two years. But now I put my two extra pillows beside me, lined up, one end touching the others beginning. And I throw my arm over them and curl my leg up on top of them; I pull the comforter close up to my chin and bury myself in its familiarness. And then my mind is quiet for a split second until the thoughts come pouring in, everything that happened in the day, the people I spoke to, the things I unpacked, the mundane moments that meant nothing and didn’t really deserve a second run through; these things take turns playing in a slide show just for me, only to stop again for that split second where I just suddenly fall asleep. Another year is over; I count my years as school ends, and for me, school has just ended. My dad told me he was proud of me today, to go straight through the year with its problems and then go on to take four more classes in summer, one session after another, with my now tiny, hopefully deserved break. To tell you the truth, I have no idea what I’m doing, nor what possessed me to think I could handle another quarter of school in my summer break, but then again, most of you know that truth. I’m just trying to get things together and not take a break until I accomplish that, until I have my goals, make plans for my future and then watch the pieces as they fall into place.

Being at home always makes me relax and then become tense. I have this horrible burden of making up for my brother’s lack of responsibility, I have it in every realm of life, in money, in affection, in honesty, in education, in respect, in so much that it’s too much. And he is a good guy, he’s just different, and I used to think I was the only person to get him, but really, he’s still waiting to be understood, he’s still waiting to grow up…and though he’s three years senior to me, I sill don’t know when it will happen. When he will realize his greatness, his potential I don't know... but I’m not one to speak.

This Friday will be nine months. That is a very long time. I mean, I’m only 20, nine months is a long time for this age. And it’s flown by. I hate time, it drives me nuts. It sneaks up on you, plays tricks on you, slowing itself down when you are dying in pain, and speeding itself up when you are dying happy. I feel like this whole summer has been about time. Finish reading this chapter by this time, finish these set of problems in the next day, catch the shuttle in 5 minutes to work, you have half an hour left of work till you can go home to your comfort zone, you only have 20 more minutes to finish this exam, you can enjoy this break for only 11 days, you can continue this dream for 3 hours, you must get up at 7:00 and eat breakfast and get ready in half an hour. Everything was controlled by this force that isn’t even here to talk to me, it isn’t even here to complain to, to thank, to ask for a second chance, to make it go back or press fast forward. I’d just like for once, for time to get the hell away from me.

Our hearts were lined up, and beating in synch. Our chests together, our breaths soft, our eyes heavy and I got a whisper in my ear, a hesitant question said with a heavy sigh, “when will I get to meet your parents”. It was the kind of question that knowingly will have no answer, it was the kind of question that was asked to just say out loud, it was the kind of question asked in an effort to share the pain. And as the tear fell down my face, it was wiped away by his hand and he held me closer, and the only thing I could whisper was “I wish I was someone else sometimes”. And of course, it was followed by, “I don’t”. And things can be perfect like that, or they can be us yelling at each other, me crying or him quiet, and then those things also pass. We’re left here, in this beautiful place, where only we can be, and only we are allowed to cry and be hurt and be understood and learn and live and love. Anyone who has to privilege to love whomever they choose to, whomever the wind blows them to, they should never take that for granted. Simple things are always but should never be taken for granted.

I think about these things tonight as I try to fall asleep.

I hung out with Kar last night; we walked from Manhattan Beach pier to Hermosa’s pier. Amongst all of the drunk bikers, the chaos of a Sunday night on a Labor Day weekend, we tried to catch up on our lives. It was the typical kar and lo talk, ranging from politics to family to our futures of course and to relationships. It took me about two hours to work up enough nerve to ask her about why her and john broke up after two years and I wanted to know if she was okay. When I heard about it, I desperately wanted to call her and see if she needed something, someone, anyone, because I knew even then how hard it must have been and how much it could hurt. And Kar is such a complex person, she’s makes herself so confusing, and I still feel like I can censor through all of that, and get to the real Kar, the one who was my other half for so long. And I asked her if it was hard, if it hurt, half out of sympathy and half out of reference and curiosity, and I braced myself, sucked in my breathe, expecting the worse. Khari answered simply that it wasn’t. Even though that answer wasn’t what I was expecting and I knew so many words were missing from it, I left it at that, and I felt like I understood. The things I love about the people who I will always love, is their drive in certain aspects of their life. Their unchanging nature about the things that mean the most to them. I see it in the people I love from home, I see it in my parents, I see it in Jon, I see it in Joe, in my twin, I see it in people who I have just gotten the privilege of knowing, and it makes me fall in love with them all over again. To me it is about being your own hero. Does that make sense to you? I see it in the people I love. I see this wonderful ability to be the person you most admire, you most want to be like, I see the drive, the vulnerability, loyalty and passion. I love the concept, to be your own hero, be the person you want to be, what greater gift could you ever give yourself.

I don’t know what it is I am doing, what it is that I will continue to do and end up doing. I just know that it is, and will always be amazing. I will try to fall nothing short of amazing.

p.s…in lieu of a certain request: Adj YOU’RE SO HOT haha, come home and hang out with me.

Current mood: drained

8:16PM - All the lonely people, where do they all belong ?

You know the tingly feeling you get when you watch either amazing things or atrocities. When you sit down and watch Live 8 and see all of these amazing musicians doing what they do best in an effort to help those who don't have a voice. The feeling you get when there’s so much wrong in the world and CNN just keeps on showing a bombing after bombing, and people continue to preach that they aren’t being heard and they are being misrepresented. That feeling when you make a list of things to do, the feeling when you cross things off that list. When you have an idea, when you write something out of pure passion and desperation. The moment when you realize you have to stop crying cause your tears aren’t fixing things. My professor over summer summed it up; he said what student doesn’t want to change the world right now?

You just gotta keep going.

I want to be inspired.

12:24AM - I know you don’t honestly know what life is really worth

I woke up to see a spider on my ceiling. Not a normal daddy long leg, but one of those intense dark black ones. I killed one of them last night after an hour of throwing shoes at my ceiling with Kimberley and Karine (summer apartment mates) because we were too afraid to get close to the spider. Finally I decided I needed a long stick and found one outside our patio door because we live next to that woodsy area like five feet from the library. The stick totally did the trick (I swear I didn’t mean to rhyme but I did and it’s fun). Anyway there was screaming, jumping around, laughing and then the spider died. So I figure the spider I saw in the morning was its relative and it will kill me while I am sleeping because of what I did to its brother/mother/father/sister/lover. I was too tired to do anything about it though, I hit my alarm clock at 7:00, and then just dozed in and out of sleep and then turned off my alarm on my phone at 7:15, which by then I knew I had to get out of bed.
I got dressed, grabbed a granola bar, drove my car to Gilman, caught the shuttle to Hillcrest and then arrived at work. At work everyone felt the need to explain to me the meaning behind every little thing that was happening, it was like a science lesson every second. Most of it was interesting but then it got a little too much for a summer Monday morning, you know what I mean? I batched some acids for a few hours, and then learned how to test for methlymalonic academia disease. The lab I work in does genetic clinical work for the pediatrics department at the SD hospital right across the street. So I had five new born babies’ urine samples and I was testing if they had this disease that makes them have a bad reaction to vital amino acids that you need for growth. Well actually I was testing if they had something called B-12 deficiency also, but to not bore you all I will get to my point. It turned out they did not have this B-12 deficiency, which would have been treatable, so it basically meant they would be untreatable and they would soon die because there is no set cure. Dr. Nyhan walked by and he’s like dinosaur old, and ridiculously smart and he glanced over at the sheet and saw the colors and sighed deeply saying, “no hope, huh?” And I thought about what my mom said about being a doctor, how the hardest part is to tell the families that they’ve lost their loved one and I thought about my cousin and how it would be so much worse to have someone you love, alive and seemingly well but then realize that they are in fact very sick and that with one simple test we were able to see their fate essentially. Now really, this is way too much thinking for a Monday, for a morning, for summer. So I stopped thinking for a while and did some monotonous things, talked to my lab people about water skiing which they all love to do although for the most part they all seem like late 40’s, early 50’s. I hope I have their energy at their age.
I got lunch and then decided where I should eat it, which is always fun because the UCSD hospital at Hillcrest is in a really beautiful location, there are ton of almost secret spots, overlooking hills of flowers, grass, blue skies, and quietness. So I ate, enjoyed the view and did half of my stats homework and went back to work for a while. Then I caught the shuttle home, moved my car from Gilman to the Marshall lowers, went to my TA’s office hours, ate some ice cream at summit, went to class that should always be 3 hours long but never is because our teacher who is a Visual Scientist, MD and PhD, so he’s totally brilliant and extremely interesting and funny, gets tired of teaching after about an hour and a half. Today he said, “Umm we have two more agnosias to go over but I’m tired.” The class was silent as was the TA who also loves to end early.

Then he said “actually I really want to watch a movie, that house one.”

The TA said, “what house movie, we aren’t showing a house movie to the class.”

Professor, “oh, no I meant I want to watch it, like at home. It’s that desperate one...you know, that house one.”

TA, “umm do you mean desperate house wives?”

Professor, “ah! Yes that’s it..”

Now the class is laughing and the TA said “Are you just thinking of an excuse to end class cause that is a TV show and it is on Sunday not Monday nights”

Professor, “oh well, hummm, I guess I missed it then.” And then while walking to the door he said, “well anyway I’m tired, see you Wednesday!”

Hahaha I loveeee how much I’m paying for such a great education. But whatever, we got out of class an hour early. So then I went out to dinner with Naeha and ate crepes which tasted kind of bad, kinda blah. We talked a lot about everything, about how she’s leaving and it made me sad that I’m losing one of my good friends at UCSD, one of my escapes and reassurances for most of the past two years. But I think it will be a really amazing experience for her, I think Georgetown will fall nothing short of her expectations.

I finished my stats homework and went over to Jon’s to watch Fantastic Four, which wasn’t that great of a movie but the company was wonderful  A road trip starting Thursday took me to UC Berkley and I got see Joe and Krystle. The drive was incredibly long, like so unbelievably long. On the way back we got to watch the sunrise over these mountains right over the area that said Los Angeles county line. We were so happy to be in So Cal again, I don’t think I could ever live in Northern California, it just doesn’t match me, but it’s a nice place to visit. Krystle’s place was amazing, she always lives in the nicest places, I’m really happy for her though, she deserves it all. Being around Joe was kind of bitter sweet, I was really happy visiting him, but I couldn’t help but be sad cause I knew he’ll be gone for a whole year and I’m not sure what I’ll do without him. I’m not sure if this makes sense but he always reminds me of how much I’m worth, of what I deserve form life, and of how I need to give my all in everything I do, he does it without knowing it though. We stayed up talking till 5am about how we think so much and how it drives us nuts. But some things will never change.

I feel kind of relieved, kind of happy, kind of anxious. There is more I want to say but I’m tired and I should go to bed so I can wake up early to study. We have finals next week, we just had midterms last week. In between school and working and no breaks I think I’m pushing myself too hard but hopefully I can do it. Wish me luck.

PS...My phone has been broken. So it hasn’t been working and I need to call Lyly, Adjmal, Chris, Jen, Daniela, Jackie, Sue, Jess G and probably a lot of other people back. I’m sorry.

Current mood: tired

1:39AM - If you never try, then you'll never know what you're worth

...i think i'm really scared about nothing lasting forever...

Current mood: stressed

9:53PM - You hit so hard on yourself, cause you need someone to blame...

I feel like sometimes I can't do anything right. That sounds melodramatic, but I think you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes I think in my head that I’m giving my all when in fact I could give more or other times when I honestly know I couldn’t give anything more than I already have, I‘m done, I have nothing more…but still, it isn’t good enough, is it? I feel like I’m running out of something, running out of breathe, out of hope, out of passion, out of meaning, and confidence in myself, in my judgment, in my abilities. I hate it when things change, not all, just some. Its just I have that feeling. You know, that super large sigh, the kind that is trapped in your lungs, throat and heart all at once, making it hard to take a breathe, making it hard to do anything. All your attention is drawn to this one part of your body and your mind is working so hard trying to figure out two things, what caused it and how do you fix it cause you gotta breathe, you have to be able to take that deep breathe of air that fills you with such a renewed feeling, that gives you hope, that helps you go on. My mind’s about to give up though, there are way too many reasons I could have for this feeling. I hate that I feel like I belong no where...All that has come out of these past few weeks is that actions speak so much louder than words.

"Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe"

Current mood: confused

3:30PM - You know that if the sun don’t shine forever you got to let it go…

I’m sitting in my bed, it’s only 3 in the afternoon. I got about 8 or 9 hours of sleep last night and even more Saturday night and Sunday morning. I think the past two weeks have burned me out, emotionally, physically and academically. As the school year is coming to an end in a few weeks and with other people’s like joe’s, kar’s, krystle’s, garrett’s all ending either today or in a week, I’m kind of wondering where did this year go. I spent so much time last summer determined to not make the same mistakes as I had my freshman year, and I don’t think that I did repeat them, I just made new mistakes, but even from those I will learn and I know that they probably won’t happen again and new ones will replace them. This year brought all kinds of things, some expected but most unexpected.
My uncle died and a piece of my mom‘s heart left with him, the whole anthoney problem didn’t go away over summer-he carried it on to first quarter and maybe brought it up again just now, I had huge fights with my roommates, I became closer to my other friends, I fought with Kar and maybe came to as much of an understanding as I ever will be able to, but there will always be something there for us…we used to be Kar and Lo, inseparable…and now we argue a lot, over things that we know will piss the other one off but still, we call to hear about each other’s news, we remind each other that we’re still in each other’s hearts, in our own ways. My mom called to say she just put a bag of fortune cookies on my doorstep at home, with a note saying “for Lo”. No one else would ever understand what that means but us and that makes me smile. She got my parents a house warming gift which made them so happy. It reminded me of how my mom was so happy she almost cried when she received Christina’s card saying she was sorry about her brother dying. It’s the same feeling I get when Joe asks how my mom is doing. It’s different when you’re friends, your lifelong friends, extend their friendship to all parts of you, all matters of importance to you. Friendships continue to change, good and bad, always surprising me. This school year I let down Jessica and then we started a cycle of letting each other down repeatedly.
Adjmal’s mom died and I watched his heart break. When I went to his mom’s funeral, I was nervous about driving there in time, nervous about my final that afternoon, nervous if my shawl would fall off my head, nervous to see the same pain I had seen at family funerals. I was there early, actually I think I was the first one there. I parked my car and walked around, and then realizing I was very early and that our friends wouldn’t be there for an hour, I went back and sat in my car. I didn’t think I should leave, so I crawled into the backseat, and laid down looking out the window. It was a sunny day, and there were beautiful, huge trees with their braches swaying in the wind, and as I laid there reading notes for my final, I dozed off. Only to wake up to the same beautiful scene outside my window, looking up to the sky, and I almost forgot where I was, it only took a little bit of elevation to get the reality of where I was, just looking out the same window, at the same angle, but one inch higher brought into view the tombstones, the memorial pieces and I heaved a huge sigh as I laid down again, choosing the more peaceful view, wondering who was watching me from the skies above.
I met someone who would make me feel alive and who continues to do so after five months today. And for that I can’t even express how grateful I am, how indebted I am…how in love I am. I pushed myself beyond imaginable last quarter with four classes one being an 11 hour lab a week, with work, with volunteering, with the long distance thing…I thought I was going to go crazy. Every other day I was crying, over missing him, over the pain other people had to go through, over my failures in o-chem, over my sad birthday, over well just about anything I suppose. And now this quarter, I had to find a new job which I did, I decided to not volunteer in the ER because I didn’t see my importance there, and I dropped the second quarter of ochem because I’m not screwing myself over anymore. And now I’m concentrating on three classes, on working at a more relaxed job at the pediatrics lab, in getting the chance to be with the person I missed so much, in going home and helping my parents with the move to a house that can only be half my home, because it is not in El Segundo, but it is where my parents will be. And they’re so happy, so I’m content.
I have all of these lurking worries in my mind, such as I need to chose a major before Friday, I need to know what I am doing before I waste more time in classes that I might not need. That I have no idea what I’m doing and that it’s unfair for me to have to know what I want to do with the rest of my life from right now. That I’ll let my parents down. That I’ll let my friends down…or that they will continue to let me down. That I’ll become dependent, that we won’t have a place to live over summer and next year, that my parents and brother will continue to fight even more because he’s moving back home after not spending a night at home in about 3 years. I’m worried about my future and yours, I’m worried about things not working out the way I have them planned out, I’m worried that I no longer have things planned out. I don’t know about not living in el Segundo, about not being able to go to Daniela’s house on a 5 minutes notice. I’m worried about losing touch with people who still mean everything to me and I couldn’t live without and maybe I don’t remind them of that enough. I really miss Joe. I’ve called him extremely upset like three times in the past two weeks and in half an hour he always manages to calm me down, make me realize how either important things are, or how frivolous they are. Christina left me a message yesterday saying, “I hope you’re not studying too hard for midterms because I’m not studying for my finals, so that means you shouldn’t be studying for your midterms.” haha I like how we still think like that. It’s crazy that it’s been two years since we were all together, in one school, sharing a lot of the same worries.
Right at this moment though, I’m fully rested and my tummy aches in that good kinda way from laughing too hard, which is what I was just doing with Jon. I’m excited for karla to come home tomorrow, to hear how being up north was…I’m excited to start over again. I’m excited for what the summer, next year, even this weekend will bring. I’m happy to be able to sit in my bed and have the cool breeze mixed with the bright sun coming through my blinds and have the time and energy to write these feelings out. I’m living my life.

Current mood: curious

12:45AM - and we can't get much closer to god from where we are....

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost


I think that those words sum up the only opinion you can really have about life and occurrences in life. Because if I take anything from the past three years of my life, the ones where I have felt the most alive, the ones where I have learned the most and hurt the most, I think that those three words are the only truth that can come of any of my lessons learned. Life goes on, it always will. No matter what, no matter what monumental, earth shattering thing happens, life will have to go on, or it will go on without you. Even if you get the luckiest breaks in the world, you can’t really dwell or relish in anything for too long, you miss all of things that are flying past you at a high speed.

Sometimes I do dwell on things. Sometimes I just can’t stop thinking about you. Sometimes I wish for things that aren’t reasonable, not realistic at all. I don’t know why I still do it, sometimes I just have too much hope, in me, in others, in life and in love.

I wonder why things happen all the time. I wonder why…

Current mood: curious

1:21PM - can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong?

i keep on having the most painful headaches, all the time. things aren't really going how i thought they would, but i guess they'll work themselves out.

Current mood: worried

1:01AM - it's raining and i'm thinking of you...

I think I’ll always feel somewhat incomplete when he is apart from me. Not that I can’t go on when we aren’t together or that I can’t have fun with without him, it’s not like that. I’m very happy that I am my own person, with other strong relationships and I know he is the same way too. I’ve invested way too much time and strength into building myself up into who I am to just become reliant on someone else like so many girls are. “May your individuality strengthen your love.”

So how do you know that love is real, that you can believe in what you are feeling, that sometimes you have to disregard what your mind is saying, and really just listen to your heart. "If you want something you've never had before, then you have to do something you've never done before." I think that quote applies to our entire relationship. It has been a series of unexplainable events, unpredictable occurrences and they were all started, inspired by this strong feeling in my heart, these butterflies in my stomach and this feeling of just being alive every time I am around him. Sometimes its just us in the world and I know the sun is shining for us, the rain is falling for us, the ocean is still moving for us. Don’t you ever just feel like that? When I’m walking back to Mesa from school and its been kind of a shitty day, I’m always listening to music, trying to think of good thoughts- so of course about him, and I always stop, at that area by the Institute of the Americas, where you can walk down to get to Geneva Hall. I just stop and look out, and once in a while you can see the ocean till it looks like it melts into the sky, two different shades of brilliant blues blending in together just for me, each wave coming in bringing in memories of sunsets, camping, lingering kisses and warm embraces, and I feel so content, fulfilled, happy that I know I have the one person in my life who others may spend a life time searching for.

Sometimes I think we are too serious, moving too fast but then I remember that you only live this life once, you only get one chance to do things the way you would like. I would like to love until my heart bursts, until it dies…It’s the only purpose in life, love is. To me it is anyway. I came home today and my mom and dad were literally feet away from the door, keeping a safe distance between the door and dining table, so they could set dinner up and listen for my return. I ate dinner with them, they asked about school, then about each of my friends, how they are doing, they asked about Adjmal and the girls from school. We ate kababs and middle eastern pickles and pita bread and they made me drink water. And then we went to the couch and they drank their tea and I drank my milk and we watched tv as my dad said, okay nunu, tell us stories. And I just kept on talking and talking about things that have happened in and out of school, my mom told me stories from her work, I sat on their bed while they got ready to go to bed watching runaway bride. I know I’m home and I know nothing will beat this, ever. I know I just left one home being with jon and entered my home being with family and friends. I know I still am lost in school, I still don’t know what I am doing with my life and that I could work a little harder or be a little smarter but still, I know I’m so lucky that I shouldn’t ever ask for more, just work for it. More than enough has been given to me.

I can’t wait for Joe to come home and I can’t wait till I get to see Jon again and I can’t wait to just go hang out with everyone from home and go to Daniela’s house. I saw Caddyshack on tv and thought of chris and I can’t wait to see him and eat out with sue and go to the cliffs with adj and figure out my life with my parents. I’m thankful I have things to look forward to. I’m happy to be home, and on my first night back to have time to myself to just do whatever, collect my thoughts and relax my worries.

Current mood: contemplative

12:01AM - the spider web and it's me in the middle, so i twist and turn but here i am in my little bubble

9:25pm saturday
“If you were here, first thing I’d do is knock you down”

Okay….I need to do three chapters of o-chem in the next like 2 days, well less than two days probably. 80% of the final is on the one chapter I don’t understand and the other two chapters I did not do. Well shit. I can’t dwell too much on that now. What’s done is done. My bio TA e-mailed us last night, saying our tests that were taken that morning were already graded. I didn’t really want to know my score, but I studied so hard for it, I have to know, even if it will make me uber discouraged if I did not do well again. I have no idea what I am going to get in that class, but it was so much work and I did it all by myself, no one else’s old labs, no one helped me write them, there was no one to study with or ask questions to. And I know I worked hard, I just hope it somewhat pays off. Now I can’t do anything expect keep on checking my e-mail every second, but really why would my TA be checking his e-mail right now anyway, he’s probably studying or having a good Saturday night. Other than checking my e-mail, I keep looking at my phone, only to hide it again under my pillow, because it keeps on ringing and I can’t bear to hear another sad voice, but I’ll of course pick it up. I just feel like hiding it puts my mind at ease a little bit (I’m lying to myself). I have all these images, these new sounds of sorrow, stuck, engraved into my head. I don’t even know what to say about it, how to describe it and all I would like to know is why, why did it happen, why did it happen to her, to them? And of course I’m asking unanswerable questions. Of course I only demand to know answers to the questions that will not have any, because those kind of answers are the only ones I can bear to hear. Tragedy brings people together, it always will. I think that’s weird also. I don’t think advice is appropriate nor do I approve of corny quotes but I have this stuck in my head. “Keep going, keep laughing, keep smiling, keep fighting and let them wonder where you get your strength from.” It’s all I can think about really. Fuck, I’m really screwed for ochem and where the hell is that TA…I wonder what everyone at home is doing. Okay, I’ve just been scared to start ochem, when I should have started these chapters 2 weeks ago. I just need to start, right now, just open my book and start reading and doing problems and then I won’t feel so bad, at least I know I’m doing something productive while I am not at home, not with Adj or my mom. But, I’m actually scared of studying it. God, I have issues. Well, anyway, I swear I’m gonna start it now. Okay it’s now 9:33. never mind, now I’m starting 9:36. I promise. Fuck 9:37, it took me a minute to type that?

10:13
Did some of chapter 7, got confused, went back and corrected mistakes from old midterms instead...spent time wondering how I could make such easy mistakes. Regretted my stupidity then realized that does nothing to help me. Looked at outline of final online, got super mad at the professor cause he’s beyond vague. What’s the point of having an outline of the final exam when you write “Miscellaneous problems: 20 points”. Check my e-mail about 20 times, he did e-mail me back and now I’m thinking maybe I didn’t want to know my scores, it just affirms that studying a lot gets me no where sometimes. But then again I did a good 13 points higher than what I normally have gotten. And on the last lab I got 12 points higher than what I normally get, and on the last quizzes we took I only missed one every time. Can’t they just grade me on my progression? I wish I got how to do things right away, or I wish the quarter wasn’t so quick so I could know how to do things right for a longer amount of time. I e-mailed him again to ask him what he thinks I’m going to get in the class, I calculated it out to be a 78% without the curve. They’d round that right? Dammit, I coulda gotten an A if I didn’t mess up at first. Now I’m even wondering about a B. I think I e-mail him like once a day with random ass questions, he’s going to hate me when he gives out grades, wonderful. Back to ochem…I hate reaction mechanisms. Who needs them. I seriously need to get away from this science shit for a while. A long while. I should be at home. I wonder when he will e-mail me back again. I hope it’s good news. Everyone could use a little good news right now. Iron’s texted me “have you started chapter 8?” Me: “no.” Irons: “You better start cause it’s so fucking hard.” Great. Just great. 10:24pm

10:30
Haha My TA asked me why I was e-mailing so much instead of studying. He said I improved a lot during the quarter but that the professor handles our final grades and he told me not to worry because he doesn’t want it to affect my studying for other finals. But really, worrying is what I do best. I can’t help but worry about things, all things. I wish I would control that part of my brain but I can’t. I swear I’ll go crazzzzzzy if I get a C in that class. Sigh but I still don’t know what I got on my last lab report, but I worked really hard on it…so it should be okay? Right? Wayne the TA said it would be…but then again, what does he know? He’s a 25 year old TA with broken English. Dammit, that was mean, I take it back. OKAY OKAY, it is out of my hands, I will wait until the grades are posted. No more bio lab forever. The end. Well, unless I need to e-mail another question I have. I think I’m almost talking to myself, maybe cause no one has been in the apartment for quite a while now. Humm. Yes, I just remembered I have ice cream in the fridge. I bet Adj would want ice cream, dammit I wish I was home. 10:40

11:00
Ice cream doesn’t cure all. Filthy lie. I want to call Jon, I wish his phone was working, maybe it’s better it isn’t so I don’t spend all my time on the phone. Back to ochem.

11:24
“Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong”

I can’t stop thinking about adj…I can’t stop thinking about how things go wrong out of no where, when you least suspect it, your worst fears come true. Life is really cruel for some many reasons, and I don’t know why. What do you even say in times like these? I guess there is nothing to say, I just wanted to stay there last night, hugging him with every ounce of energy I had left in my body. I felt like if I let go, something might break. Do you know what I mean? At least we’ll all be home soon. You know, I kept on saying, I’m trying to get myself day through day, but even that is proving its self impossible when each day unexpectedly throws yet another curve ball at you. It brings you down just one more notch when you didn’t think you had any where lower to go.

11:58
Short term goals: Finish chapter 7. Bed by 2, geisel tomorrow by 10am cause that’s when it opens. Chapter 8 tomorrow, start 9 if lucky. Finish going over old midterms, do 9 before exam on Monday…sigh, 4 more days. Those were too many goals, scratch everything, finish 7 tonight. Okay, more doable.

1:04
“I’ll be doing my best…I’ll be seeing you soon…”
Solvolysis reactions are so boring.

……..

I just heard this song on the radio and it’s stuck in my head and I love it.

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

….sorry this was so long, but then again u didn’t have to read it. I think I’ll do better with some sleep in me, I got one more hour of studying, halfway done with chapter 7. I have ADD I think…good night though. Adj, I love you so much, you and your family are in my prayers. i'm sorry i'm not there right now.

Current mood: confused

5:42PM - just bend the pieces till they fit, like they were meant for this, but they weren't meant for this..

“Sorry if I’m quiet, it means I’ve got nothing left to say…”


The rain is ruining my plans of getting a bunch of things accomplished today. Ugh 4:17.…what an ugly time. I really don’t like the hour from 4-5, it seems like a nothing hour no matter what, nothing will be accomplished in it and it means nothing essentially. It’s raining crazy hard right now and I’m sitting on my bed typing, listening to David Gray songs with my candles lit and I really don’t want to go to o-chem. But unfortunately I have to, so I will go, as pointless as that lecture is...otherwise I’d feel guilty. I’m typing out my to do list for this week cause it’s the only way I can keep track of what I need to do each week. I like making lists not only cause they force you to be somewhat organized, but also for the satisfaction of crossing something off of your list once you’ve accomplished it. Monica and I just rock, paper, scissor-ed it online debating whether or not to go to o-chem …we both got confused and decided to go anyway. Dammit! Okay…so I should get going, I need to find my car and pick her up and drive there only to probably leave early because it’s so f-ing hard to understand what on earth the professor is saying…

11:40..all I have accomplished has been making dinner, showering and some music reading. I guess I’ll have to make up for it tomorrow…I’m just going to go to bed early tonight so I don’t waste tomorrow being tired and missing him…I feel way computer savvy though, I figured out how to make my printer work, on my lap top and how to work my mouse…haha that may not sound like much, but it’s something to me. I think I would like to go home. It’d be good for me. I wanted to do chapter 7 of o-chem today, just read it but the thought of the chapter, all of the reactions, almost makes me want to have a nervous breakdown, which I will do tomorrow after 4 hour biology lab….excellent. I feel like I know something is wrong, something has been bugging me and I know what some of the small things are and maybe even the larger picture…I’m just still so unsure about it, but it’s alright. I’ll work it out on my own and everything will make sense again and people will come around. That’s the end for today, 8am class tomorrow, probably in the rain.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I wrote that at the beginning of the week, right now it is the end, it’s Friday and I’ve already gone to class, work and more class and I have my bio lab at 2. I was in MMW and all of these things were hitting me and I felt awful. I glanced over the lecture hall and I saw Mohan and I couldn’t help but think about what he thinks of me now. I thought about when I yelled at him over the phone this year for being an ass and then how he tried to make it up and how I wouldn’t even talk to him when he called over Christmas break. And then he saw me with jon, and maybe he thought I did the same thing and that I was a hypocrite and maybe I’m thinking too much about things that don’t matter to me anymore. I had manny to my right side in the aisle and robby behind me and I started to think what on earth have I done this school year, did I waste it away on unnecessary drama? Cause I don’t have a major, I may have wasted 2 years doing science when that will no longer be my major. I haven’t gotten good grades or the grades I know I am capable of in classes that aren’t science. And even now, I can’t even do well on things like essay tests, so where have I left myself. I’m so lost academically it makes it really hard to breathe and brings tears to my eyes every time I think of the fucking hole I’ve dug myself into. This school is so wrong for me, I wish I looked at it even a little before just coming here, if it weren’t for the people I have met, I would be super lost and angry. Apparently I just keep on missing things barely. I don’t know how to explain that. I was sitting between two friends who are using lyly and I as back up housing, incase we all get into a fight and “hate each other” by the end of the year...and I can't really picture living without them. I was sitting in front of lyly and an wondering if lyly has her car next year and an doesn’t does that mean I won’t get to see her as much, and if that’s the case then will I be coming home to an empty home and that I’d miss her a lot. Where has this year gone cause I haven’t gone home once except for thanksgiving and Christmas when you’re supposed to. So I haven’t seen my family, Jessica and Karla yelled at me when they were drunk that I never hang out with them anymore, Jon isn’t even here this quarter and Naeha and Mikey always get mad at me that I don’t see them. I haven’t seen my friends from home much either. So where on earth have I been? I don’t even know. What if I’ve gotten so used to being independent that I won’t know what to do with Jon here next quarter? What if I’m still transitioning, getting used to the idea of having someone in my life like that, taking each day for what it is and learning and growing. What if I have no idea what I am doing in every aspect of my life. That’s why I almost ran home from mmw, I don’t need everyone to see me losing grasp at everything there is that I’m trying to hold on to. I do not know what to do. What do I do?

Current mood: indifferent

1:10AM - Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you...you are my only one

if you were me you wouldn't think of any of it as petty stuff.

i'm really tired and i would like to quit.

i'd give anything to go to bed for a really really long time right now.

1:08AM - for the life of me, i can not remember, what made us think that we were wise

"I was young and knew everything…"

Today, or yesterday rather was the day Garrett’s dad passed away and I didn’t call him because I didn’t want to come off as insincere by saying the wrong thing or bringing up bad times. I don’t know, I wasn’t sure what to do. Of all people I wanted to call john, to ask him what he thought the proper thing to do was. But I couldn’t bring myself to call him; I think I’ve pretty much ruined that relationship. Well, change that, we’ve both ruined that relationship. Then I thought that whatever is in my heart is right and I should stop doubting everything I feel and do, it’s tiring.

"I wonder why we try for things that can never be, play our hearts; they’re meant like an unrehearsed symphony…."

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I’m not looking forward to anything except waking up next Saturday morning on the 19th, because I’ll be done with the most stressful week ever…all of these tests determining my future, I’m not sure how I let it get to this. I feel stuck though. And it’s an awful feeling. Helpless and stuck, yet at the same time knowing I can be the only one to help myself right now. But that Saturday, I get to see my parents finally, I haven’t seen them for over a month, and then of course that night. I get to be with my friends and the one…haha yeah, anyone who knows me knows what I’m talking about and that’s good enough for me right now.

"I know sometimes it gets cold in there, when my legs no longer carry me and the warm wind chills my bones, I reach for Mother Mary and I shall not walk alone…"

Those last lyrics, they’re from a song Daniela put on a cd for me. Well all the lyrics here are. I know I’m not Christian; but still, there’s something about someone singing so passionately about someone who they are relying on just out of faith. There is something to be said for people who are that strong, who can believe that beautifully. And you can hear it in this singer’s voice and it stirs something up in you, that makes you want to believe in everything you doubt in your life, religious or not, it doesn’t really matter. People doubt things all the time. I know I do.

"Well I never pray. But tonight I'm on my knees. I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me. I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now but the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now."

I think it’s always easy to feel sorry for yourself, for the situations life and God put you in. And I feel really lame when I do this, I guess sometimes you can’t help it and you just have to curse the world, wondering why it hurts the people you love, why it makes their lives difficult, why you get hurt too. I have it good though. I was laying in my bed listening to the rain, thinking about how Joe and I try to match the perfect music to it, usually Norah Jones and I was smiling, waiting for my phone call from the one person who unconditionally makes my life better. I had just gotten off the phone with my mom who always says she loves me before she hangs up, she never forgets. Then I was joking around with lyly and an about unimportant things that are somehow wonderfully funny at the time and I was glad they were here and I wasn’t home alone. And I talked to Daniela about how we should quit school or do each other’s homework tonight and wrote a post card for my twin, which I need to mail tomorrow. And I realized as I always do when I’m all emo-ed out, which these things matter. Not what’s on my desk shouting at me to read it. Well I’m sure I sound like a broken record. I’m sorry, just wanted to get it out of my head, outta my mind, but at least the good thoughts, the good feelings are consistent with me. Right? Wish me luck studying and doing homework this weekend, and happiness on days that should be filled with love and good times but won’t because of school, and luck on my tests. And to you, I hope for all the same and more.

i miss you.

Current mood: drained